Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
