You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
