giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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