can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
