Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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