she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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