We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
