I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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