I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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