I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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