Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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