Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
