My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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