I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
