Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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