My Higher Power is John Stamos
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
