apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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