i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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