Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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