I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
