I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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