I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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