Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
