Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
