I cannot find my penis.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
