I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
even my farts smell like vagina
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
