My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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