More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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