So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
