Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
