she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We need to rekindle our bromance
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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