she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
