im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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