It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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