I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
