I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
