I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
