When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
