How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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