Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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