That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
