I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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