My nipple is on Facebook.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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