the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
