God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
