there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
