i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
