I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
