You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
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