I must be too annoying 4 u.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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