No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
