Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
